Sow Potatoes, See What You Shall Reap

Chapter 10

Meanwhile, Jane was awaking from a very bad night. After her light dinner, she had tried to sleep but the echo of the argument kept repeating in her mind. The relief felt after completing the letter to her sister had only been temporary and the pain had come back stronger and stronger. She had tried to read her book but the words had been dancing in front of her eyes and she had given up after fifteen minutes facing the same page. Only watching the declining activity in the street had proved to be soothing and she had finally fallen asleep in her chair. The cold had awaken her later in the night and after once again trying unsuccessfully to read, she had slept a restless night, turning and tossing in her bed, dreaming dreams that began well but ended badly. The clock was already showing nine in the morning when she managed to sit on her bed. She quickly dressed and got down to see her aunt. The latter was worrying about her in the sitting-room. She stood up and took both her niece’s hands in hers when she entered.

“Jane, I’m so glad you finally came down.”

“Dear Aunt, I hope you were not worried! Would you please forgive me for the burden I have been since yesterday?”

“Oh, Jane… How can you speak so? You’ve been no burden and I have nothing to forgive you!” With a caring smile, she ordered her to get something to eat and watched her to check she had enough.

 

They all settled in their morning activities and peaceful chat. Although Jane seemed to have regained her serenity, she couldn’t repress some sighs and Mrs. Gardiner had to participate much more in the conversation than she was used to. The morning post brought a letter for her.

“Oh! It is from my friend Eleanor. Do you remember Mrs. Umberight? She invites us all to a ball in a week hence! What shall I answer?”

Her eldest daughter Sophia replied seriously: “You shall reply that we will be very happy to be her guests.”

Both Mrs. Gardiner and Jane laughed. “If you’d like to go, Aunt, I will gladly join you.”

“It is settled then. But Sophy, I’m afraid ten years old ladies would get bored in an assembly such as this!”

Her daughter understood her meaning. Although she was not satisfied with it, she was satisfied with having made her cousin laugh. Therefore, she didn’t pout too much.


To everyone’s surprise, Mr. Gardiner came back quite early from the warehouse. He explained it by his wish to see Jane and, that the weather being so fine, he had thought that a tour in the Park would be very agreeable. “But Jane, may I have a word with you?”

As Mrs. Gardiner was taking the children upstairs to wrap them in warm clothes, Jane and her uncle went in his library.


“Uncle! I hope you have not also been worried about me? I’m so sorry of my behaviour! I apologise for the scene in front of you and everybody.”

“Jane, don’t be upset about it. True everybody was speaking about it this morning but it was only to ask me how you were!” After a short while he added: “Would you please sit down?”

Jane did as bided and watched, surprised, Mr. Gardiner pacing.

“Uncle, what is the matter? Did you get some news from Longbourn? Is anyone ill? Please, tell me…”

“No, no, nothing of the sort…” He took a deep breath and taking a letter on his desk, he sat down next to her. “Jane, I have a letter for you.”

She took the letter and, on seeing the seal, her face turned white.

“Yes, it is from Mr. Bingley.”

Eventually, she found out her voice. “But… Mr. Bingley cannot write to me… We are not engaged…” Her voice cracked on this last part.

“It is because he cannot write to you that I give you the letter… You see, after you left yesterday, he didn’t follow you immediately. First we had an interesting discussion and at the end, he asked my consent for writing you a letter to beg for your forgiveness.”

“But… Why?… Why did you consent? You know the feelings I have for him, you know what happened since Michaelmas… Why?”

“Because I listened to what he had to say and I think that you should also. You must not jeopardise your future happiness on some heated words and misunderstandings. I don’t command you to read this letter. I just recommend it. I haven’t read it and can only hope he related the same facts and reiterates the expression of the same feelings as yesterday. But I trust him. That’s why I’m giving it to you.”

She looked unsure and finally resolved on keeping it. “Do you mind if I don’t join you?”

“No of course my dear. I think we’ll be back in an hour.”

Mr. Gardiner set off with his family and Jane climbed the stairs to her room.


Once inside, she poked the fire, settled on her chair by the window and, taking a big breath, she opened the letter. The writing was very neat and equal. So that’s how he writes! Funny, he had told me he was a very reckless writer…

 

‘Miss Bennet,

‘I beg your benevolence and goodness to take pity on me and not stop the reading of this letter, even though you know by now who wrote it. I know and agree that you are fully entitled to think yourself ill-treated by my family and myself. Therefore, let me put this plainly: I, Charles Robert Bingley, humbly apologise for the undeserved reproaches I made to you, for the pain my sisters and myself have inflicted upon you and for the loss of your faith in the world we may have caused.’ Jane was unmoved by this beginning. So he really apologises. At least, he eventually understood he had to! It must have been a very interesting conversation he had with my uncle…

‘The only defence I can present is explaining the events that brought those reproaches, this pain, the clouding of your radiant smile. Allow me to tell you, dear Miss Bennet,…’ Dear Miss Bennet! Who does he think I am to be addressed so? Or who does he think he is? ‘…I deeply hope the sun will come back, and if I may help, I’d be the happiest of men.’ You would, wouldn’t you?

‘You are already aware of my situation in life and the reasons that made me come to Hertfordshire. I have often told you that I found delightful this part of the country as well as the neighbours. There is a point I should have been clearer about: you were more than the most delightful neighbour. I had made up my mind on revealing officially my admiration for you after my return from Town.’ Jane stopped her reading and, closing her eyes, she folded the letter. So far, she had managed to keep up her anger. Indeed it had been reinforced by the previous part. But those two last sentences were too much. He was going to propose… She could hear him pronounce those words. After a while, she resumed her reading.

‘Events didn’t happen as I had planned and I’ll come to this afterwards but I’d like, first, to express my belief at that time of your opinion about myself.

‘As soon as I made your acquaintance, I have noticed the goodness resting in your beauty. I was soon convinced that you were the most honest and trustful creature in the world and several people in Meryton and Longbourn also pointed to me that very quality of yours. Although I have rarely practiced them, I’m used to the games of the Season. Therefore I was aware that I was singling you. Please, don’t misunderstand me! I was not playing with you! Even before I had decided to ask you to be my wife, my intentions had always been honourable. Taking for granted that you were not used to those games, I understood your returning my attentions, at first, as an agreement on our high compatibility of character, then, as your sharing my growing pleasure of being with you, and, after a few weeks, as an unspoken understanding about a possible future for the two of us. I understood yesterday that I was right then. Before yesterday, I thought that I had been wrong. The motives of this disastrous mistake are as follow.’ Yes, please, I cannot wait!

‘On the very evening of the day of my return to Town, I was surprised to find at the Hursts’ my sisters and brother. It had been planned that they should come back in London for Christmas but not before. I was told to wait until Mr. Darcy’s call on the morrow on my asking the reason of their return. Pleased to see them there (I’m not a man relishing in loneliness), I showed them an item I had acquired for you. Their reaction took me by surprised. They told me that I had not thought that through, that you were delightful enough to spend some time with but not enough to overcome everything.’ To put it more plainly: my poverty, my relations and the behaviour of some members of my family. How delicately he writes that!

‘Of course I disagreed! Then they hinted that you had just played Mrs. Bennet’s role for you: her most beautiful daughter saving the family from poverty by marrying a worthy gentleman.’ Oh I cannot believe it, even coming from Miss Bingley! ’I wonder how someone can have a so horrible idea. I know your family situation but surely a mother cannot ask her daughter to sacrifice herself for her family’s sake!’ I’m sure he’s right… although what she tried with Lizzy and Mr. Collins… ‘On hearing my hearty opposition to the idea, they stopped arguing and I had thought the matter dealt with.

‘But the following day, Mr. Darcy called on me.’ Mr. Darcy? ‘I’m not sure you know the extent of his benevolence and goodness towards myself, and it is not the purpose of this letter to describe them. Suffice it to say that for more than a decade, and in spite of our social inequality, he has been my closest friend and has helped me in my private and business affairs. I’m afraid I was always unsure of my own judgement and often asked him for advice. He had never failed me before.

‘Mr. Darcy had called on me to change my mind about my proposing to you. He presented to me the same arguments as my sisters and I answered him the same replies. For the first time, I was contradicting him! But he also presented a new reason: he gave me the assurance of your indifference.’ My indifference? I was as obvious as propriety would allow! ‘And the point was I had often marvelled at my good luck of your attentions to me. Who am I to be worthy of them? Who am I to be worthy of you?’ Oh…Is he pretending? How can he speak so? But how could Mr. Darcy speak so? He almost never talked to me! I didn’t agree with Lizzy on Mr. Darcy’s behalf but I must say that she might have been right! Or he has deceived him on purpose… Surely he knew the faith Mr. Bingley had in him! Was he convinced by Miss Bingley? The confidence I had felt, while in your company, completely faded because of the point of view presented by Mr. Darcy and my sister and the confidence I had in them. I couldn’t imagine neither that the two of them could be wrong nor that one of them could be deceiving me. If I may, I ask you not to judge Mr. Darcy too harshly. I can’t believe he was the one who deceived me. He must have watched you and I tend to think he truthfully thought that your affections were not engaged towards me.

‘And, as often in cases as this, I’ve fallen from Heaven to Hell. I remember describing you as an “Angel” to my party the evening after the first assembly in Meryton. The only way I found to survive this ordeal, beside a very bad habit I since quitted, thanks to Mr. Darcy, was to blacken your memory. And you became the Daemon I accused you of being in your uncle’s warehouse. You being such an unworthy lady, and I still cannot understand how I have been idiot enough to believe that, I had neither wish nor reason to come back to Netherfield… so I didn’t. I had neither wish nor reason to live neither but I did, and I am glad of it now, as I am able to write this letter. I cannot tell you how much I regret what I said then. Such words should never be said, even when stating the Truth, so in this matter…’

 

Light was dawning in Jane’s mind. So that’s how it happened! His sisters and friend thought me unworthy and convinced him his attentions weren’t truthfully returned. Well, Lizzy often warned me about our lack of everything but good looks to appeal to gentlemen! I didn’t think then their relatives and connections had also to agree! Then, she thought about Mr. Bingley’s behaviour. How could he yield to their arguments? At least the only one that convinced him was my so-called lack of affections for him… This only comforted her for a short while as his lack of confidence came back to her and she got angry about it.

 

‘As for pretending I didn’t know you were in town, I beg you once again to believe me when I say I wasn’t pretending. My sisters never told me you were in town. As they were lucky enough I was not at the Hursts’ when you called, they could also conceal from me they had seen you. Yesterday, my surprise was really not faked and it also explains (not excuses) my most uncivil and unkind behaviour. Truth to be told, my mind couldn’t reconcile your angelic beauty I was once again graced to withhold and the devilish scheme I had been convinced you had acted in.

‘You may wonder how come that your uncle delivers this letter for my sake. Let’s just say that he and I had an open-hearted conversation after you left and that I was lucky to win his consent in my sending you these apologies. My sisters and I plan to call on you in the next few days. We would understand if you wouldn’t be at home, but would you be there, we would be delighted to ask once again for your forgiveness.

I will only add, God bless you,

‘Your humble, apologizing and loving, Charles Bingley’

 

She had read the last parts as a whole for the pieces of information were not new to her. She finally believed him about his ignoring her presence and London. In fact, she tended to believe him for everything that was in the letter. She was still angry with him. She had been suffering so much for so many weeks that she couldn’t forgive him right away, but she thought she eventually would. What she had to decide, though, was whether she would be at home when they called. There were so many things in the letter, her mind was so shaken by the last two days, she had to re-read it and think more about it. How I long to have Lizzy’s advice once again! What would she do? What would she think? Shall I write to her?

 

Sow Potatoes, See What you Shall Reap, Chapter 11

Table of Contents

Return to Austen Interlude