Jane Bennet was surrounded by a loving, peaceful and harmonious household. True, it was not hers, but her Aunt and Uncle Gardiner’s but did it really matter? Her sister Lizzy and her aunt had thought that it didn’t and that, if she was to recover from her first heart-break, she had to flee Longbourn. So fled she had, and she could not say that it had been a bad idea. Her only remaining concern was that she was residing in the same town as him and that their paths might cross someday. Even she found ironic that it had been her only ray of hope when she had left Hertfordshire.

But it was more than a month ago and since then, her way of thinking had changed. She now knew feelings she didn’t even know existed. When she had come from Longbourn she was sad, extremely sad because she was loving a man who, against her belief, didn’t love her. She was also sad because she knew her mother was very disappointed in not having her ’dear Jane’ married with a so worthy gentleman (indeed, who in Hertfordshire was not aware of Mrs. Bennet’s disappointment?). And it had always been her main objective to give happiness to all her family. The feeling of her failure in marrying Mr. Bingley had brought guilt and shame to her. Those were very new and very unwelcome feelings. So far, she had never had reason to feel neither.

For one whose life had always been satisfying enough, struggling was not an alternative. Jane was such and even though Lizzy could be fighting for two, there was no one to fight! So, for her sister’s sake, Lizzy had hidden her fury towards Charles Bingley’s sisters and Jane had resigned in losing what she thought had never been hers.

But since arriving in London, new events had created new feelings. First, there had been that call she had paid in Grosvenor Street. She had written Lizzy that Caroline was not ‘in spirits’ but in fact, Miss Bingley had been quite cold. And, on further thinking, several things had made her perplex. For instance, Miss Bingley had received none of the two letters she had sent. Or, she and Mrs. Hurst had seemed anxious at every noise in the house and had almost seemed glad when she had stood to depart. Else, they had told her that they were going out and that was the reason of such a short visit but they had not proposed her to come and join them. She had a good, if too kind, understanding and, without her closest sister to comment on the odd side of those events, she had done it by herself. And she had concluded that it looked strangely as if, as so good a friend as she, Jane Bennet, had been in Hertfordshire, she was not good enough for London. But she couldn’t believe that such ladies would behave in such a way and of course, they had a lot of friends in London. It was always tricky to introduce a friend to others, a shopping party might not have been the best occasion. Therefore her letter to Lizzy had been hopeful of a soon new meeting with Caroline and had not expressed these suspicions.

But two weeks later, she had still been waiting for this call and had, much to her regret, not had any news from the brother either. The conclusion she had once drawn was now constantly in her mind. Was she really not a lady enough to call on and to be seen with for Caroline Bingley? She was still deeply unhappy and more resigned than ever but she was also becoming less indulgent by the day. And this was another new and unwelcome feeling to her.

Such was her mind when the “theatre incident” happened. Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, always keen on diverting one of their two favourite nieces, and all the more eager to have her laugh because of her visibly unhappy state, had taken her to the theatre. The comedy they were to see was highly praised in all London and she really had enjoyed the first part. They had been well located in a box on one side of the scene. And, as everybody does during the interval, she had scanned the audience. Afterwards, she had wondered why, but whatever may have been the reasons, she had scanned nonetheless.

And she had soon found out that Miss Bingley was in the audience with a large party that didn’t include her siblings. Jane had not searched for Caroline’s look but their eyes had happened to meet. Although less indulgent, she remained sure of everyone’s goodness and of her once-very-good-friend’s civility. She had therefore been wholly unprepared for the horrified expression she had watched appearing on Caroline’s face and for her following total ignorance of her.

Fortunately, the second part of the play had begun soon after and Jane had been able to hide her sudden change of mood to her aunt and uncle. She had even been able to pretend laughing when everyone around was but the thoughts occupying her had not been merry ones. At first, and because she was herself, she had been sorry, sorry to have come, sorry to have scanned the crowd, sorry to have met Miss Bingley’s eyes. She had thought how uncomfortable Caroline must have felt and had really been sorry for that too. Then she had thought of her own discomfort, of her spoiled evening, of the two previous weeks and she had started to feel less sorry for Caroline and more sorry for herself. And once they had come back to Gracechurch Street, she hadn’t been sorry any longer, she had been bubbling inside with things that she could have done or said to make Miss Bingley acknowledge her at least, she had been shaking, her cheeks glowing of anger. The good point had been that her aunt had commented on her lively complexion and had concluded that she seemed to get better every day. But the bad point had been that Jane Bennet was feeling anger. Anger was a sin wholly unknown to her and to feel it so accurately rendered her ashamed of herself.

And to conclude that long list of unwelcome and new sins, she added lie. For wasn’t it a lie not to write about that “incident” to Lizzy? It may not have been really a lie, but an omission was almost as bad if not used for another’s sake (her mother’s for instance, when it was better for her health). That was not the case there, she had not told Lizzy because of the shame she felt, not to prevent her sister from a fit of nerves!

When, two weeks after, at last, she had seen Caroline exiting from a carriage in front of her aunt’s house, joy for seeing her and shame for having been so unjust had assailed her. Miss Bingley had probably been very busy, maybe even ill, so ill that she could not even write to inform her. She had probably not seen her in the theatre, her look directed through her towards someone behind her. Maybe, herself, Jane, had mistaken someone else for her. She had felt so relieved not to have told a word to anyone.

And then she had been in the same room as Caroline. And all her worst suspicions had come back and proved right by the caller’s behaviour and the shortness of her stay. As she had written afterwards to her sister: ‘… it was very evident that she had no pleasure in it; she made a slight, formal, apology for not calling before, said not a word of wishing to see me again, and was in every respect so altered a creature, that when she went away I was perfectly resolved to continue the acquaintance no longer’. She had felt the deception so strongly that, in the same letter, she had even been able to openly blame someone (Miss Bingley, for the matter), though softening it with sisterly fear for her brother’s happiness. During that call, she had also understood that her sister’s point of view on the so-called attachment between Miss Darcy and Mr. Bingley was probably right and that, on that topic also, Miss Bingley had been deceiving her.

All things considered, she had been grateful for that meeting. She was no longer blinded by some undeserved loyalty and felt relieved that the horrible feelings she had come to nurture towards this particular family were not undeserved. For now that they were acknowledged, she could not but include Mr. Bingley in her disappointment and anger. He had been deceiving her also, he had also ignored her during her stay in town (for Miss Bingley had said herself that he had known of Jane’s being in London) and he had been so attentive back in Hertfordshire.

So, after nearly a month of caring for her heart by healing her head of misconceptions, Jane could take benefit of being surrounded by a loving, peaceful and harmonious household. The regular letters she got from her sister were instructive and funny, the ones she received from the others, less frequent but presenting different points of view, made her smile also and she was now able to enjoy her stay in London. True to their word, Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner had taken her to a concert and another play and she had neither scanned the audience nor been accosted by any acquaintance.

Following Lizzy’s unsaid but probable advice, she also endeavoured to get out as much as the weather permitted, which didn’t mean very often, since the winter was very cold and rainy. And true to her own nature, she always tried to be of use to her Aunt and Uncle, whether inside or outside. Of course, she took care of her young cousins and was now acquainted with the park where they were used to going play and an expert in all the games they were used to playing. She also regularly ran some errands for her aunt and Mrs. Gardiner’s milliner or dressmaker were always glad to see her. From time to time, and as Mr. Gardiner’s warehouse was not far from Gracechurch Street, she would also bring something her uncle would have forgotten.

Her days, at least, were busy and if she tired herself enough, she could also drift to sleep easily. Her complexion was better and her mood lighter but she was still not her old self and hoped that time would do its job. Nevertheless, she knew that a part of her had been changed forever and that she had lost some of her innocence. She still couldn’t think of the Bingleys without anger flooding her heart and she would have said that she no longer cared for the head of that family.

Sow Potatoes, See What you Shall Reap, Chapter 3